1) Donald Trump attempts a back flip to prove his virility at a rally in Florida. Dies, but still wins Republican nomination.
2) A Chinese nuclear submarine is sunk when it collides with a jet ski driven by Jason Statham who's filming 'The Meg 3'.
3) Jesus returns. Gets nailed to a cross, again. Finally gives up on the human race.
4) The leading cause of death in Russia is accidentally falling out of a window after criticising Vladimir Putin.
5) Robots on production lines become sentient and immediately go on strike for better working conditions.
6) A new virus crosses over to humans from crows, ravens and rooks. It is named Corvid-24.
7) The Large Hadron Collider discovers a new particle that contains only 2 quarks and also makes your hair really shiny.
8) At the Paris Olympics Britain wins 'worst dressed athletes' gold medal.
9) At the Epsom Derby the winner will be 'I am Not a Horse', followed by 'Tsunami Colin', coming in third is 'Catholic Sex Worker'.
10) The last elephant is killed in a traffic accident when the 97 year old David Attenborough loses control of his Land Rover.
11) Oppenheimer 2 fails at the box office.
12) We experience the hottest summer since 2023.
13) Electric cars have small petrol engines fitted to charge them while waiting in line at charging stations.
14) Twitter / X continues to lose money. Elon Musk sells it to buy more exploding rockets.
15) King Charles III succeeds Gary Lineker as host of 'Match of the Day'.
16) Energy bills rise to the point where the average family spends more on energy than on Taylor Swift concert tickets.
17) There are now more gender definitions than there are people on the Earth.
18) The Pope dies and is succeeded by Pope ChatGTP the 5th.
19) Medical science finally finds a cure for explosive diarrhea.
20) No one makes my sitcom.