As it is written in the 'Law and your cat', by allowing any cat into your home you implicitly transfer all ownership of your house, and its contents, to the aforementioned cat. This means the cat is absolved of any claim of damage ab initio arising from scratches, knocked over vases, or laptop unirination ad infinitum under the rule of caveat emptor which voids the right of wrongful dismissal as vicarious liability is assumed by the titular tenant (in name only) of the property. |
If a resident of the property is guilty of obstruction of a chair on which the cat has a prima facie right to occupy then an order of restitution will have occured if a notice to quit was issued by the cat. This right may be excercised by means of a angry stare with a swishing tail movement. The offender must vacate the chair under penalty of the surety of said cat pooping in your slippers. |
The 'cat guardian' agrees to provide a suitable quality of expensive cat food where the cat may, as is its right under the sale or return statute, throw up the expensive cat food behind the sofa. And with the proviso that another, more expensive cat food shall be provided and which the cat may lick off all the jelly and leave the meat. The cat reserves the right to eat any food off of any plate in the house at any time. |
Cat toys must be provided and a time set aside for recreational activity. If you cannot play with your cat, another person must be appointed by you. The time allocated to this activity will be decided by the cat. The duration of playtime may be curtailed ex parte by the cat at any time. All members of the household assume joint and several liablity for entertaining the cat by means of cat toys, shoelaces, or laser pointer. |
No cause of action claim for grevious bodily harm, criminal damages, misadventure or malfeasance shall apply to the cat in perpetuity as, res ipsa loquitur, it is a cat and cannot be held liable for any injures sustained under the Animals Act 1971 as it is incapable of mens rea. Basically, if it bites you, it's your own fault. |