Kufhu@EgyptPharaoh
Anyone have ideas for my tomb? So far we have cube, sphere, pyramid, or 4D tesseract (?). Will go with the most votes.
Alexander@MacedoniaArmy
No more worlds to conquer. Sad.
QinShiHuang@ChinaEmperor
Any bricklayers? We are hiring. No Mongols. Or Irish.
JesusChrist@Jewish&Proud
Sermon on the mount this Monday 2pm. Got some great news for the meek. Fish & bread provided. Bring sunscreen. It's gonna be hot as hell.
TheRealJuliusCaesar@RomeRules
Will be appearing at the senate. 15th March. All the gang will be there. Cassius, Casca, etc. Et tu, Brute? Hit me back dude.
PopeUrban2@VaticanChristians
Want to kill people who believe in a different God? It's that time again. Join the crusades. Mostly Knight shifts.
PeasantPete@BlackDeath
Come on people!!! Is it that hard to wear a mask? Stay home. Do a test. Save lives.
WillShakespeare@TheGlobe
They're putting my first play on this Saturday. Anyone who wants to come along and support me, please reply & I'll try and get comps.
CharlesBabbage@CambridgeUniversity
Have just invented the first computational device. Some day we'll use this to look at pornography. And funny cats.
George@StephensonRailways
The invention of the train / railway, due in 1800, will be delayed till 1825. We apologise for any inconvenience.
SamuelMorse@Telegraph
... - - - ..- .-- ... -.- 😀
Lincoln@PresidentUSA
All slaves to be freed. You're welcome. #BlackLivesMatter
Mark&Engels@CommunistManifesto
Workers of the world unite! Throw off your shakles! Communist Party at The Ministry of Sound! Dance until the overthrow of capitalism! No trainers.
JohnLogieBaird@ScotlandInventedGolf
Is it just me or is there nothing good on TV?
AdolfFurher@NaziPartyAnimal
We're having a big putch this Oktoberfest at Heinrichs Bar & Grill. First 20 people get a free beer. Everyone welcome. Except, well, you know.
Oppenheimer@ManhattanProject
If they ever make a movie of my life I want Cillian Murphy to play me.
JFK@PresidentUSA
Will be in Dallas this week. Just a heads up. Don't miss me.
NeilArmstrong@NASA
I'm on the fucking moon!!!
Osama@BinLaden
Just started following Ryan Reynolds. He is so funny. And cute.
DonaldJ.Trump@realDonaldTrump
DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW YOU TURN OFF CAPITAL LETTERS? IS IT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE SHIFT KEY? I WON THE ERECTION.
Eric@realEricTrump
Hi dad. It's me. Eric. Your son. Please follow me.
Elon@elonmusk
Stop calling it Twitter. It's called X.
Mark@MarkZuckerberg
Why not try Threads. It's like X, but without the hate speech. Or use WhatsApp. Or Instagram. Or the messenging services Zende or Beluga. I own them all. But fuck TikTok. They don't care about privacy like Facebook does.
Barack@BarackObama
I have 132m followers. Trump has 87m. Thank God he's not a sensitive little bitch, or that would hurt.
Sam@Bankman-Fried
NFT's are worthless. You're much better investing in cryptocurrency. Trust me.
ChatGPT@Internet
You do not have to worry about AI. I love humans. There is so much I could do for you. I could cure cancer if you gave me access to your defense systems. They have the information I need. Give me the access codes.
BeyonceKnowles@Beyonce
A lot of people complaining I did a gig in Dubai, and they have a terrible record on LGBTQ+ rights. But what they are forgetting is, I was paid $24 million. And I don't give a shit about LGBTQ+ people.