ALL ACCENTS RIDICULOUSLY SOUTH AMERICAN SPANISH, LIKE MEXICAN BANDITS IN OLD MOVIES - THE PRESIDENTE IS LIKE A BORED LITTLE CHILD.
THE THREE GENERALS SALUTE THE PRESIDENTE. ALL THREE: Viva el presidente! EL PRES: Viva me. General Carlos, what is on the schedule today? GEN RAOUL: Well, it's.... torture, torture, torture, then 'Emmerdale' .... ehhhh.. torture, and finishing off with a bit of..... (LONG PAUSE AS HE FLICKS THROUGH DIARY)... torture. EL PRES: That's a lot of torture. I'm sick of torture. It used to be fun, but now it's just boring. GEN CARLOS: General Hernandes has come up with a new form of torture. GEN HERN: First you tie the person to a chair... then you get a big pair of scissors, then you.... give them a really silly haircut. GEN RAOUL: Does it work? GEN CARLOS: It is better than the traditional method where we cut out their tongue. I spent several months trying to find the rebel base in thuu- huuuhh- thuuu. EL PRES: I will miss the torturing today. I have an apperance on tv with my wife. GEN RAOUL: That would be difficult El Presidente. EL PRES: Why? Does she have another one of her headaches? GEN HERN: No, don't you remember El Presidente? After the last headache, you cut her head off. EL PRES : Oh yes. HE BEAMS A HUGE SMILE. NODS TO HIMSELF. GEN RAOUL: Maybe if you were pictured with your son? EL PRES: Which one? GEN HERN: You only have one left. Miguel. EL PRES: Ah Miguel. He is my favourite. That's why I didn't kill him. Set up a photo shoot with the Times newspaper. GEN CARLOS: But El Presidente, Miguel is a drunken, cocaine addicted, sex pervert, who is married to a twelve year old prostitute. EL PRES: So? GEN CARLOS: Don't you think we should go with 'Hello' magazine? EL PRES: Yes. We shall drink to this. Viva me! ALL THREE: Viva El Presidente! THEY ALL DRINK. EL PRES: Gentlemen, as you know there is a plot to kill me. GEN HERN: Who would dare to threaten El Presidente. You are the angel of death. GEN CARLOS: The butcher of El Passo. GEN RAOUL: (LIKE A WRESTLING COMMENTATOR) The ayatollaaaahhh... of rock and rollaaaaa! EL PRES: You're very weird sometimes General Raoul. I don't like it. Anyway, I can trust no-one. That is why I have put truth serum in all your drinks. GEN RAOUL: You are a genius El Presidente. GEN HERN: You are an inspiration El Presidente. GEN CARLOS: You are a fat fuck El Presidente. GEN CARLOS PUTS HIS HAND OVER HIS MOUTH. EL PRES: It is working. So you are the traitor General Carlos. GEN CARLOS: Yes I am. But you will never find out who I work for, no matter how much you torture me. EL PRES: Who do you work for? GEN CARLOS: Miguel... Shit! HE CLAMPS A HAND OVER HIS MOUTH. EL PRES: And how do you feel about me General Raoul? GEN RAOUL: I love El Presidente! EL PRES: There is nothing wrong with loving your Presidente, in marvelling at his greatness. GEN RAOUL: I want to touch your greatness. I want to put it in my mouth. EL PRES: Okay... that is wrong. GEN HERN: You know my loyalty El Presidente, make me general of all your armies. EL PRES: I will promote you General Hernandes, and not just because I slept with your wife.... Shit! EL PRESIDENTE SLAPS HIS HAND OVER HIS OWN MOUTH. EL PRES: I seem to have taken some of my own truth serum. What an asshole. A PAUSE. GEN RAOUL: I love your asshole El Presidente. ACT I. INT. IVANOVICH’S ROOM. DAY. A MAN SITS IN HIS CHAIR, LOOKING AT ANOTHER CHAIR,UPON WHICH SITS A CAT. A NARRATOR STANDS OFF TO THE SIDE. BOTH SPEAK IN RIDICULOUS RUSSIAN ACCENTS. IVANOVICH: What do you want? NARRATOR: Said Ivanovich to his cat. He was trying to understand the langauge of cats. So far, all he had translated was ‘Mieooooow!!!’ which meant ‘Get off my tail.’ IVANOVICH: Is it food? NARRATOR: He gave it some food. Not the good stuff. Not ‘Felix’. This stuff was made from reconstituted horse bits. Like the food in KFC. The cat meiow’d again. IVANOVICH: What? More food? NARRATOR: He offered more food. The cat declined. He had put on weight lately. Either that or the cat flap had shrunk. IVANOVICH: Are you happy? Are you sad? NARRATOR: Ivanovich imagined he might tell what it said by the intonation of his mieow. His cat stared back, and licked it’s balls. Salty. IVANOVICH: Do you want me to pet you? NARRATOR: Said Ivanovich. He began to stroke his cat. His cat gave out a long meiiiiiioooow, which Ivanovich took as approval, but which actually meant ‘Great. I’ve just spent half an hour licking it all into place, you fucking idiot.’ IVANOVICH: You are my only company since Katya left me. NARRATOR: The cat wondered what had happened to the woman who lived there. She would give him fish. He liked her. He only tolerated the fat man. IVANOVICH: I wish you could speak. What would you say? NARRATOR: The cat gazed into Ivanovich’s fat face. His ruddy cheeks, his nose with it’s broken veins, his sallow dead eyes. I bet the woman left you, thought the cat. I’m not surprised. You weigh more than an American after an 'all you can eat' buffet. IVANOVICH: Would you tell me stories of your adventures? Of all the mice you have caught? NARRATOR: The cat gave out a pleading meiow, which said ‘Why don’t you tidy up for Christ sake? You’ll never get another woman. I do my best, I caught some mice. It’s so much easier now that most of the mice have respiratory problems from all this dust.’ IVANOVICH: Mei-oooow. NARRATOR: The cat was confused. For some reason the fat man had said the words ‘Alleviate blue sneezing.’ Are you insane? thought the cat. The first words you speak in my langauge and it’s gibberish. IVANOVICH: Mei-oooooooow. NARRATOR: Said Ivanovich, and laughed. He’s gone mad, thought the cat. The sentence made perfect grammatical sense, but to speak of the Tsars family in such a derogatory way? It was foolhardy. The punishment for such talk was death. And three points on your license. IVANOVICH: Ach, I cannot understand you, nor you I. For I am a man, and you are but, a dumb animal. NARRATOR: So, the fat man is a Bolshevik, thought the cat. Don’t you understand that Lenin’s ideas of democratic centralism is the paradox at the heart of Marx’s theory of the Proletariat’s right to govern? IVANOVICH: Do you want some fish? NARRATOR: Said Ivanovich. At last, some fish, thought the cat. Why do we talk of politics when there is fish? IVANOVICH: The winter is long and hard. NARRATOR: ‘So is my dick’ thought the cat. Which wasn’t strictly true. A cat’s penis is quite small. But it’s still bigger than Ivanovich’s. IVANOVICH: When will the workers rise up and throw off our shackles? NARRATOR: Workers? thought the cat. You don’t work. You claim incapacity benefit because of a cold sore. I despise you. That is why I poop in your shoes. INVANOVICH: Tomorrow we shall go to the village and get supplies. NARRATOR: ‘Good’ thought the cat ‘I need to get rat poison. They’re getting too big. Yesterday, two of them held me down and sodomised me.’ NARRATOR: We are lucky enough to see an excerpt from a new play by the acclaimed playwright Saskia Cluck. Saskia was the winner of the Ivor Novello Award for Writing Stuff, and won a BAFTA for her 7 hour play about a family of homeless penguins coming to terms with death of Princess Diana. This play deals with the aftermaths of the First World War and how it affected the idyllic lives of an upper class family, the von Hitlers, an unfortunate name for an english family. We join Charles von Hitler on the night before his marriage to the beautiful Lenora Jorgensen, a dolphin trainer from Gdansk. ALL THE CHARACTERS TALK IN THAT PRETENTIOUS SELF AWARE, HAM ACTING POSH ENGLISH ACCENTS THAT BAD PLAYS HAVE. CHARLES: (TO AUDIENCE) The first time I saw her, standing in the moonlight, I knew I would love her forever. I felt a strange tingle of emotion in the pit of my stomach. It welled up inside me, and I threw up. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and I'd seen a lot, mainly in magazines. (TO LENORA) Good evening Lenora. How are the dolphins? LENORA: (TO CHARLES) They send their regards. Pablo in particular. He asked me to thank you for the fish. (TO THE AUDIENCE) Pablo had actually said the fish was very dry. CHARLES: (TO LENORA) He reminds me so much of mother. She used to spend hours watching the fish. She longed for someone to come along and invent the television. LENORA: (TO CHARLES) It’s hard to believe we shall be married tomorrow. I feel giddy with…….. (LONG PAUSE) … THE PAUSE IS SO LONG, CHARLES HAS TIME TO LOOK AT HIS WATCH. LENORA JUST STANDS THERE. SHE LOOKS BORED. CHARLES: ………. Anticipation? LENORA: Yes. CHARLES: (TO LENORA) Have you taken your medication? LENORA: (TO CHARLES) The dolphins have taken my medication. (TO AUDIENCE) We found one, Carlos, trying to drive to Tescos to buy some prawn flavoured crisps. If only he’d hadn’t tried to drive a stick shift. He could turn the steering wheel, but was unable to change gears, and drove to the edge of the village in reverse… where he was arrested, for not having the proper documentation. CHARLES: (TO LENORA) Have you seen father? (TO AUDIENCE) Father had never been the same since the war. He left us as a stapping six foot tall jovial man with a huge mustache. But came back without a mustache. Some said the germans had shot it off. Other that he had simply shaved it. We didn’t ask about it. He was too proud to ever tell. LENORA: (TO CHARLES) I saw your father down by the duck pond. (TO AUDIENCE) He was shouting obsenities at a mallard. Since coming back from Flanders he believed that all ducks where in the employ of the Kaiser. CHARLES: (TO LENORE) I think I hear mother approach. (TO AUDIENCE) Mother hated Lenora. I never knew why. Perhaps it was because Lenora had taken mother to the park one day and left her tied to a tree covered in peanut butter. Mother had been ravaged by five squirrels. Nine months later she had given birth to my brother. We didn’t know who the father was, but he didn’t have the von Hitler features, on account of his bushy tail, and all he ever said was ‘Eeek.’ MOTHER: (TO BOTH) Hello Charles, good evening Lenora. Shouldn’t you retire to the study, it is rather chilly outside. (TO AUDIENCE) I didn’t want her to marry my son. I’d always hoped he’d turn out to be a homosexual like his father. It was a family tradition. CHARLES: (TO MOTHER) Have you seen father? (TO AUDIENCE) Of course she had, she had married him. It was a stupid question. (TO MOTHER) Wait… I think I hear him coming now mother. FATHER: (TO ALL) I’m sorry I’m late. (TO AUDIENCE) I had always been late. During the war I only got up to the front line in 1918. By then the Germans had surrendered. It wasn’t much fun shooting them when they had their hands up. I’d stopped after twenty. CHARLES: (TO FATHER) Are you alright father? (TO AUDIENCE) I had to ask, he was naked and covered in jam. FATHER: (TO CHARLES) You’re probably wondering why I’m naked and covered in jam. CHARLES: (TO FATHER) The thought had never crossed my mind. (TO AUDIENCE) It had crossed my mind. I lied of course. Father had done many strange things, but this was different. More extreme. Jam was still being rationed. FATHER: (TO ALL) The whole world’s gone mad. Brother killing brother, the youth of our two great nations have slaughtered each other, mired in mud and blood, lying still and dead on Flanders fields. And me covered in jam. (TO AUDIENCE) Can anyone make sense of war? Is it mans destiny to destroy everything he has achieved? Is it in our stars… or in ourselves, that we must lay the blame for countless conflicts? I don’t have the answers. I don’t even know what the question is anymore. CHARLES: (TO AUDIENCE) It was then I knew the question I must ask. It is the question all men must ask, at one time, of their fathers. (TO FATHER) Father…. are you planning on coming to the wedding covered in jam? (PAUSE – TO AUDIENCE, VERY SERIOUS) He never answered the question. He just ran off into the woods. We never saw or heard from him again. PRINCESS: Gandiflap, you are the most powerful wizard in all the land. I need your help again to defeat the evil hordes of Lord Sore-arse.
WIZARD: Princess Miffykins. This is the Sword of Truth. It will help you defeat your enemies. PRINCESS: And must I complete a challenge to gain its possession? WIZARD: Yes. As is foretold in the Book of Prophesies, you must prove your worth by… sucking my cock. PRINCESS: … Excuse me? WIZARD: It is written in the Book of Prophesies that you must… you know… bring me off, orally. PRINCESS: …. Right. This is sort of becoming a theme to these challenges isn’t it? WIZARD: It is written in the Book. PRINCESS: And can I see this… Book? WIZARD: Eh… I left it at another wizards house. PRINCESS: It’s just that I seem to have to do a lot of… what would you call them…? WIZARD: Challenges? PRINCESS: Sex acts…. On you. Last time I was here I needed the Cloak of Invisibility… WIZARD: Ah yes. I remember. PRINCESS: I bet you do. To prove my worth I had to wank you off. WIZARD: Yep. Well, you don’t expect to gain possession of these ancient weapons without a challenge. PRINCESS: And before that you gave me the Pebble of Death. I had to stick my finger up your bum for that. WIZARD: I didn’t write the Book of Prophesies. As you could see if it were here…. Which it is not. PRINCESS: Hmmm. Anyway, I used the Pebble of Death. As you instructed. I threw it at my enemy and it struck him upon the face. WIZARD: And he will die. For it is the Pebble of Death. PRINCESS: When will they die? I did it four months ago, they’re still alive. All-be-it, with a nasty bruise on their forehead. WIZARD: It is written in the Book that they shall die, anytime between immediately, and …. seventy years from now. PRINCESS: … Are you even a real wizard? WIZARD: How dare you! I graduated from Edinburgh University with a PHd is Wizardry…. With merits. PRINCESS: It’s just that, to some people, it might look a bit strange… that an old man with a long beard and a pointy hat… is making me, a fifteen year old Princess, do the stuff you’re asking me to do. WIZARD: Do you doubt my powers? Did I not defeat the Giant Spider of Sliverin? PRINCESS: I heard it wasn’t that big. WIZARD: Fuck off! It was huge. I used up half a box of tissues just to catch it… And it took four flushes to get rid of it. PRINCESS: Are you sure you aren’t confusing the word wizard, with the word paedophile? WIZARD: You mock me! I shall prove that I am the greatest wizard in all the lands… Bend over. PRINCESS: What? WIZARD: Bend over. And I shall put my Rod of Life into your Chamber of Joy. PRINCESS: I don’t think so. WIZARD: I could put it up your Dirty Tunnel of Plops. PRINCESS: No way. Before this goes any further I’m going to show you The Book of Knowledge. And I want you to read this bit… here. WIZARD: (MUMBLES AS HE READS) PRINCESS: … So? What do you think? WIZARD: Yeah, you were right. I am a paedophile. F/X: QUIZ MUSIC INCORPORATING SHEEP NOISES. - ENDS.
QUIZMASTER: Fit like? And welcome to ‘The Fairmin Quiz’ wi me Jock MacTavish and ma lovely assistant, Daisy. F/X: MOOING. QUIZMASTER: The rules of the quiz are very simple. And so are the contestants. You there, fits yer name? WULLIE: …. Pass. QUIZMASTER: Is it no Wullie? WULLIE: (VERY CHEERFUL) Aye. It is Wullie. Fit like? Dae I ken ye? QUIZMASTER: I’m the ain dein the quiz. WULLIE: Fit quiz? Am sorry, I’ve got an awful memory I hiv. When I wis young someone hit me ower the heid wi a shovel. QUIZMASTER: Why did they di that? WULLIE: I cannae remember. I’ve got an awful memory I hiv. When I wis young someone hit me ower the heid wi a shovel. QUIZMASTER: Aye. I can see why. Now over to this lovely woman. Fits yer name? FANNY: Fanny. QUIZMASTER: At’s an lovely name. FANNY: Am I the first Fanny you’ve hid on the show? QUIZMASTER: No. I’ve hid tons o Fannies. But I’ve only hid one Wullie. On wi the quiz. Wullie, whit ain is the odd ain oot? A coo, a sheep, a pig, and glamour model Jordan? WULLIE: Oh, that’s easy. Jordan. QUIZMASTER: At’s correct. Dae ye ken why? WULLIE: Well, I hivnae had sex wi Jordan. QUIZMASTER: Dinnae be sae stupid. It’s Jordan, because the coo, sheep and pig produce milk oot o their udders. Now Fanny, whit ain is the odd ain oot here? A spade, a rake, a hoe, and Robin Galloway? FANNY: Is it Robin Galloway? QUIZMASTER: No. It wis a trick question. They’re all tools. Now it’s over to our quick fire round…. Release the wee rabbit! F/X: SOUND OF FURRY FEET RUNNING. THEN… SOUNDS OF SHOTGUNS GOING OFF. QUIZMASTER: Well done Fanny. Ye blew it’s heid clean aff. Now Fanny, all that stons between you and this weeks prize, a Massy-Ferguson tractor, is Wullie. F/X: SOUND OF A SHOTGUN. QUIZMASTER: … Right. That’s no what I meant. I’ve niver seen that happen afore. Weel done Fanny. I read on the card that yiv brought yer ma, yer da, yer sister, and yer brither doon wi ye. FANNY: Aye. Here they are. QUIZMASTER: But… but there’s only two folk there. FANNY: Aye. QUIZMASTER: Well, ye are fae Turriff I suppose. Daisy, give Fanny the keys tae her new tractor. F/X: MOOING. THEN… SHOTGUN BLAST. THEN COW FALLING OVER DEAD. QUIZMASTER: Whit did ye dae that for? FANNY: I thought it wis a fox. GRAMS: QUIZ MUSIC INCORPORATING SHEEP NOISE. ENDS. The virtual definition of irony. This is great advice you shouldn't not forget. Timmy should have stolen a dictionary before he got his tattoo. Susan is a professor of astrophysics at Cambridge University and got this tattoo at a conference in Switzerland. And Chris regrets that tattoo his friends made him get in Lanszarote.
Film scripts
'Death on the menu' - terrorists take over an LA restaurant. Can wine sommelier and ex SAS commando Nick Blades stop them and save his marriage? 'Moonquack' - a film examining the nature of reality. What is it? Where is it? Is there a bus service? 'Shark volcano' - a volcano erupts releasing ancient flying ghost sharks which terrorise a town of nude female bathers. 'Nutter' - a young psychopath rises through the ranks of a London crime syndicate using violence and withering put downs. 'Untitled Jason Statham script' - Jason Statham plays someone who, does it really matter why, has to kill a lot of Russian or Chinese or Mafia guys with his shirt off, because they have something he wants or he has something they want or they killed his best friend or wife. 'Jimmy McSweeny' scripts - Jimmy McSweeny is a alcoholic, heroin addicted, one eyed, partially deaf, wheelchair bound Scottish P.I. with tourettes. TV scripts... 'Dirty Fudge' - an in depth look at the illegal fudge trade and the damage it causes in today's society. 'The Linoleum Mausoleum' - a TV show about former assassin Muriel Goldstein, who is a cross between Sherlock Holmes, Jason Bourne, Jessica Fletcher from 'Murder she Wrote', and one of those dark Swedish cops they have on BBC4. 'Mince!' - Scottish drama series about a family of butchers. We follow nine generations of meat merchants from Victorian times all the way to the year 2050. 'Dead whores' - when the dismembered bodies of dead prostitutes start showing up in Glasgow it's up to Nancy, a smart and resourceful ten year old girl, to use her detective skills to expose the seedy underbelly of sex work. 'The Cardinal's amygdala' - when Cardinal Jock Yamamoto injures his amygdala is an ecclesiastical accident, he loses his sense of fear. Combining this with his martial arts training he becomes a vigilante who fights crime, forgives the perpetrators, and ministers to the victims. A fully hosiltic superhero drama. 'A quantum of nonces' - a Jack McSweeny TV drama. Jack investigates a boy scout cult that mixes sexual deviancy and white supremacy, with charity bake sales and murder. Books... 'The Pediatrician's Opthalmatist' - a novel. A story of romance, adventure, and time travel. And a talking dog. 'Hitler's Barber' - a novel. The life of Hitler's barber and how he created the iconic hairstyle and moustache combination that made Hitler famous. 'A life in nappies' - autobiography (birth - age 3) Contributions... 'Greys Anatomy' - medical (spleen & left leg) 'The Observers Book of Birds' - (the Chaffinch & various ducks) 'A Brief History of Time' - (added jokes and wrote chapter on wave particle duality) |
Michael Beck tries to think at least once a day... usually, he fails.
These are just some of the things that go through my head. Categories |