He (it sounded like a He, and a bit drunk if truth be told) asked for a little favor. I told Him I was an atheist, but He said he didn't believe in atheists. There was no proof that atheists existed, and everything could be explained without atheists being involved.
'What do you want?' I asked.
'I've made a terrible mistake' He said 'The whole human race thing. It was a bad idea.'
'I know' I said 'But what can I do about it? I can't even get Netflix to work on my phone.'
'I want you to kill them all' He said.
'... Fine' I said 'To be honest I'd had the same idea after watching 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'.'
'Tell me about it' He said, rhetorically.
'What powers will you give me to complete your request?' I asked 'Will I have power over the oceans to send floods or to cause drought. Will I have the power to create a great pestilence, or bring war, or famine?'
'... No' He said 'But if you look in the downstairs cupboard, I think there's a hammer.'
'You want me to kill everyone in the world, with a hammer?' I asked, somewhat incredulously.
'It's a big ask isn't it?' He said.
I thought about it.
Then I got out a piece of paper and did the maths.
'But Lord' I said 'I live in a small town of around twelve thousand. By the time I get round to killing them all with a hammer, the population will have increased by, maybe a million. I'll be chasing my own tail ... And that's if they all stand still while I'm smashing their heads in with the hammer. If they run away or call the police, it could take forever.'
'I never thought of that' said God.
'Well, you've got a lot on your mind' I said.
'I have' He said 'It's everything. And the universe is really big. People don't realise just how big it is.'
'What you need' I said 'is a man who is capable of bringing about the destruction of all human life on this planet in a very short space of time.'
'Hmm' He said 'I'll have to think about this... Thanks for all your help. To pay you back I'll give you one wish.'
I thought very hard about that one.
'Please help Brad and Angelina through this very difficult time' I said.
'Shazzam!' He said.
And that was the last I ever heard from God.
But...
One week later, Donald Trump announced he'd run for President.
I'm not saying the two things are connected.
But if you're a true believer I think it's your duty to phone up everyone in the US of A. Friends, family, or just random people, and tell them that if they don't vote for Donald Trump a man will come round to their house and smash their skulls in with a hammer.