Love Poem to Lorraine Kelly...
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen
And I've seen a lot, mainly in magazines
Your smile is like a simile
Your eyes are a metaphor for something
Your lips are red and inviting
Like a bus on a rainy night
I want to run my hair through your fingers
And be with you in a shoe shop while you try on shoes
I can still smell your perfume on my pillow
Where I sprayed it, after finding out which perfume you buy
I long for you
I've longed for you for a long time
So long, it's been too long to remember how long
But it's been a while
I want you to be happy
And I'll dress up as one of the other dwarfs
I can hear your voice in my head
When I don't take the medication
If you agree to be mine
I will release the hostages unharmed.
A Brief History of Mcdonalds...
while waiting, and waiting, and waiting, for a McDonalds employee to reach behind them and put two things into a bag, a job you could train a monkey to do (and it would have a better standard of hygiene), i read some of the literature on the history of McDonalds....
McDonalds was founded in 1940, by Ronald McDonald, a failed clown who had killed a child in a bizarre balloon animal incident.
he came up with the idea of combining the two things kids like most, clowns, and not dying of hunger.
Ronald was given a loan by a bank run exclusively by and for clowns. it later became the Royal Bank of Scotland.
it was an instant success. Ronald hit upon the idea of a sign informing customers of how many people the restaurant had served. this caused great difficulty at the beginning when he had to go outside in between serving customers to change the sign.
McDonalds has now served over a billion people. and if you added up all the time they have waited for their food, it is almost exactly the age of the universe at 13.6 billion years.
McDonalds run their own 'hamburger university' in oak brook, illinois, where employees can study for a degree in bun management, or a phd in pickle placement.
according to surveys, one in ten americans have at some time worked for McDonalds.
according to my own statistics, one in five people who do a poo in their toilets don't flush.
the success of McDonalds has not been without controversy.
McDonalds were sued by trading standards in 2001 over their happy meal promotion. trading standards contended that the meals themselves were not happy. the case was dropped after a number of witnesses died mysteriously.
they have also been criticised for several of their advertising campaigns, including in 1993...
"McDonalds : Old McDonald had a farm. We killed and cooked all the animals."
... and in 2001...
"McDonalds : If you eat at Burger King the terrorists have won."
McDonalds in one of the most recognised brands in the world, second only to Russell Brand.
they are still expanding. recently a McDonalds was open in Pyongyang, North Korea, where the toys in the happy meals are replaced by dvds of fearless leader Kim Jong-Un singing patriotic duets with Susan Boyle.
Letter to Catriona Shearer (BBC Scotland News Presenter)...
Dear Catriona Shearer,
I like to watch you in the mornings.
On the news I mean, not at your house, the address of which eludes me despite many hours research.
Your cheery personality and warm smile make me happy, even when you are talking about some granny who got knifed in the face.
I think we have a lot in common.
I like the news.
I keep up with current affairs by reading the old newspapers my neighbour throws out.
You should use this trick at the bbc to cut down on costs.
I wonder if you might want to go for dinner sometime?
We can go somewhere fancy if you like, because I've just borrowed 50 quid from my mother.
It should suffice, unless you plan on getting legless.
If you want we could spend the whole amount on beer and get shit-faced at your place.
It's up to you.
To tell you a little about myself, I am a writer who has written for shows such as Coronation Street and Downton Abbey. Although none of these scripts have been accepted due to their, and I quote, 'excessive use of swear words, gratuitous violence, and explicit sex scenes.'
And that was just Downton Abbey.
My Coronation Street alien invasion storyline was rejected, probably due to budgetary constraints.
If you are interested tick the 'yes' box at end of this letter and return.
Don't worry about hurting my feelings as I've sent this letter to a lot of women and most tick the 'no' box.
Thanking you in anticipation,
Michael Beck
Do you want to go out with me?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
A Furry Tail (Fairy Tale)...
Once upon a time, a red squirrel and a grey squirrel met in a gay nightclub.
Although both were male and their fur was a different colour, and any relationship between them would have been frowned upon, they were instantly attracted to one another.
That night they walked hand in hand through the forest.
They talked all night, asking questions, laughing, smiling, basking in young love.
They sat on some stones near the river bank, and as the beauty of the world revealed itself that morning, the sun shinning through the dappled leaves, and the other animals awoke to a bright summers day…
… they kissed for the first time.
It was a new day.
The first day of the rest of their lives.
They moved in together that night.
The community was shocked.
Over the coming weeks they were shunned by those they had considered friends, and there was talk of banishment.
They were tough weeks, and months, but they had their love for each other to sustain them.
They were strong, no matter what anyone said, the whispers and the lies, they knew they had done nothing wrong, they had just fallen in love.
Gradually the other squirrels came to accept, even envy their love.
It was pure and unashamed.
The strength of their relationship had turned the sneers into glad smiles.
They were accepted back into the community.
Many years passed.
They lived happily.
They gathered nuts in the summer, and slept in each others arms during the long cold winters.
And it was after one particularly bad winter that the grey squirrel became ill.
His eyes lost their lustre, and his fur dulled with old age and sickness.
They still walked down by the river where they first kissed, but they sat for a long time on the stones, knowing their time together was short.
A few days later the grey squirrel died.
All the squirrels in the forest came to the funeral, grey and red.
And all the other woodland animals.
The deer and the ducks, the foxes and the pheasants.
It was a beautiful ceremony down by the river.
Spring had come, but the forest remained quiet that day.
The tiny little red squirrel never recovered from his loss.
He rattled around their empty tree-house in the days that passed.
Friends and family visited, they tried to get him to talk, but he never said another word.
Barely a month after the funeral, the red squirrels sister came to see him.
She opened the door and saw him sitting in his favourite chair.
She knew straight away.
She moved over to him and touched his face.
It was still and cold. In his hands he held a picture.
It was a photo of two beautiful young squirrels, one grey, the other red, smiling into the camera, perched on stones, near the river bank.
They were happy and in love.
And she started crying.
But they weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of joy.
For the lives they had lived had been so full of love.
The squirrel doctor wanted to record that he had died of a broken heart, but he couldn't do that.
He just wrote ‘natural causes,’ but everyone knew the real reason.
The little red squirrel was laid to rest next to his one true love, deep deep in the forest, near to the stones, on the bank of the river.
For years to come other squirrels would go down to their graveside, to talk, to hold hands, parents would take their children there for picnics, young lovers would make out.
It was as if all the other squirrels knew they were in the presence of a true and beautiful love.
A love that transcended sexuality, a love that went beyond social convention, a love that would last forever.
The moral of the story is...
... it doesn't matter what colour you are, your sexuality, or what others may say, if you find someone to love, and they love you back, you’re a very lucky squirrel.