The barman says "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "I think my wife is cheating on me."
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long face?" The horse replies "I think my wife is cheating on me."
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Captain’s Log - USS Enterprise - NC1701
Capt. James T Kirk. My first day on the Enterprise. I meet with the crew. My first officer is a Vulcan named Spock. I think about calling him ‘Pointy ears’. Is that racist? Probably. I don’t think he’d get it anyway, he has a terrible sense of humour. I told him the one about the priest and the Ferengi and all he did was raise his eyebrow quizzically. We have a female communications officer. Which isn’t unusual as it’s the year 2265 and we don’t judge people by their gender. She’s pretty hot. I think I’ll try to have sex with her. Her name is Uhhhhruuuuooo or something. I wasn’t really listening when she said it and now it’s too late to ask. The ship’s doctor is an older guy called McCoy. He says everyone calls him ‘Bones’ but I later find out no-one calls him that and he’s just trying to start a nickname for himself. McCoy had an old world Southern charm. A lilting drawl that makes for a great bedside manner. He just transferred from the Delta system where he ran a chain of abortion clinics. The next crewman I met was Sulu. He was a pilot 5th class, which basically meant he knew which lever made the ship go forward. ‘Most of the ship’s functions are controlled by the computer’ he said. I asked why he was onboard and he told me it was a union thing. If it weren’t for Star Fleet Worker’s Union there would be only one guy on each starship, and his job would be to feed the fish. Our weapon’s officer was Chekov. He was Russian or Chinese or Belgian or something. I was never very good with accents. He talked a lot about photon torpedoes and phasers and how he had blown the shit out of a lot of stuff in space. I think he was trying to impress me. Even his haircut looks psychotic. I went down to engineering to meet Montgomery Scott who I immediately nicknamed ‘Monty’. I found out he already had the nickname ‘Scotty’ so I started calling him that. Scotty told me he had a bottle of Aldebaran Whisky and we should celebrate my first command. I told him the last time I drank Aldebaran Whisky I threw up on a Romulan and started a war that killed over a billion people. Scotty said the last time he drank it he shit his uniform. He was wearing a skirt that he called a ‘kilt’, but I think he might be a transvestite. First mission - We have been ordered into the Alpha Quadrant to examine the remnants of an exploding star. There is little chance I’ll get to shoot anything with phasers or get a snog from an alien hottie with big nacelles. We set off at Warp Factor Three. I think Three is as good a number as any. I used to know exactly what Warp Factor Three meant in real speed but who remembers that stuff after Fleet Academy? Sulu tells me that at Warp Factor Three it will take us over ten thousand years to reach our destination. I could admit to making a mistake but this is my first command. It's a little embarrassing. I tell Sulu I meant Warp Factor Three and we head off into space. At some point I’m going to have to admit I said the wrong speed. But not today. Additional log - the toilet in my cabin is broken. It might be that Kesselian Jalfrezi I ate last night. I think I have the Kessel runs. Donald Trump
"They put it in the papers. That New York Times. Fake news is what it is. They're saying the Russians are paying bounties to the Taliban for killing U.S. soldiers. I said, no, I think I'd remember hearing about that. I had a talk with Vladimir... that's Vladimir Putin. He lets me call him by his first name. Just like Kim. Kim Dong Jill. Lovely man who runs Korea. I can't remember if it's North or South. Doesn't matter. Anyway, Vladimir, he says he wouldn't do such a thing as pay for dead Americans. And I believe him. He's never lied to me before. I like Vladimir. He's very lucky. The country he's ruler of, the Russians... Not like here. We have all these protesters shouting about their rights. The constitition this, and the constitution that. Vladimir doesn't have to worry about all that. If a protester, or a journalist, anyone really, speaks up then... oh you should see it... he just arranges an accident for them. An accident. They accidently fall down the stairs, or get killed in a car accident, or accidently get tortured and then shot in the head. No questions asked. His hands are clean. Lucky bugger. So anyway, I had to go speak to the press and I wanted to get everything in order. I spoke to the head of the intelligence services, John Ratface or something. I'm not good with names. I call him Ratboy. He gave me a lot of money during my campaign and I gave him the job of overseeing the intelligence community. He'd never done anything like that before. He says 'What do I do?' and I says 'Do what I tell you', 'that's all you need to do'. You have to take care of those people. Like that Betsy Devos. Education Secretary. I had to laugh. Education? She wants to spend less money on books, and more on guns. Her policy is one of "Guns don't kill people, people kill people. And we can kill those people with guns." Every time I see her I'm reminded of that woman who was a guard at Auschwitz. It's just before I go out and I'm about to meet the press. More bad news. As if I didn't have enough. A hundred and thirty thousand dead of that Coronavirus. And they're blaming me. For what? I did nothing. Nothing! So, there I am with Ratboy the intelligence monkey. You know, about the taliban paying bounties on dead U.S. troops. He tells me he briefed me in March. March? I said, no. He said he did. No, I says. He stares at me all blank like. It took him a while. Not the brightest of men. Well, I wouldn't have appointed him if he were. I don't go in for all those, you know, qualified people. Intelligent folks. The smarter they are the worse they are. Look at Bill Barr. If I said jump he'd say 'How high Mr President?'. He's like an obedient dog. Looks like one too. One of those sad bulldogs. Anyways, I look at Ratboy and I says 'I can't have known about it. Because if I had, I'd have done something about it wouldn't I?' Eventually, he cottons on. 'No, Mr President' he says 'We probably didn't brief you.' I hope he doesn't have to leave like all the others. I don't know what happens. They seem to last a few weeks, or months, before they turn on me and tell lies. Tillerson, Sessions, Scaramucci, Mattis, Spencer, Powell, Bannon, Kelly, McMasters, Cohen, Bolton. They were all terrible people. Not my fault I hired them. It was all Obama. And the Clintons. Not my fault at all. I'm surrounded by idiots. A very stable genius surrounded by idiots. And not a racist. Blacks love me. Everyone loves me. Everyone loves Donald J Trump. And I love them. They are my people. We are America." Hard to believe it's now 3 months we've all been in lockdown.
Widespread fear, thousands dead, and no haircuts. We have to stay 2 metres away from each other. If you don't, they send you to jail. Where there are 3 people to a cell. I can't remember the last time I got a hug, or kissed someone. I think it was 12 years ago. It's a strange world when the cat can go out, but I can't. You can only go out to buy food, exercise, or shoot an unarmed black person. There have been protests all over the world. The Black Lives Matter movement is trending. Racism is bad. Even in the Deep South. I think you can still discriminate against gays and jews. That's in the Constitution. President Donald Trump has gassed peaceful protesters, and authorised the use of rubber bullets. Showing that, along with flouting the 1st, 3rd, 4th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 13th, 15th, 20th, and 22nd Ammendments, he's also a bit of a dick. The President is nothing if not egalitarian. It doesn't matter if you're white, black, male, female, old, young, whatever. You can all get beaten up in the street by the Police. Trump did this so he could be photographed holding up a bible outside a church, despite him personally having broken the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th Commandments. The only one he hasn't broken is the 6th Commandment "Thou shalt not kill", which Bill Barr managed to get him off with, even though Trump is currently dismantling Obamacare. Covid 19 has swept across the globe but left Stonehaven pretty much alone. It's nice to know we're such a backwater boring little town that even viruses don't come here. I can't wait to get a McDonalds and a haircut. And a dentist. One day, soon, we'll be free of these restrictions. We'll be able to go out and meet people. And then we'll all catch the second wave of Coronavirus. And we'll all die in a poorly funded, barely staffed NHS intensive care ward. The circle of life. Stay safe. Protect the NHS. Save lives. Vote Biden. What are you doing? I'm fine. Don't touch me. What are we looking at? .... I'm... What?... Pregnant? Oh shit !!!
DRUG TEST Answer all ten questions. Do not use the paper as a roach. 1) Prolonged use of marijuana leads to memory loss? True [ ] False [ ] 2) Drugs are? a) Bad. b) Good. c) Not as good as they used to be. 3) If you bought 3 exstacy tablets, then bought twice as many again, what would you have? a) 6 tablets. b) A heart attack. c) No sleep for 3 days. 4) How much does 1 kg of cocaine weight? a) A gram. b) A pound. c) £25,000. 5) If questioned by the Police, the cocaine you have came from? a) Don't know. b) Don't know. c) Don't know. 6) What should you never share with a heroin addict? a) Needles. b) A bank account. c) Your heroin. 7) LSD makes you feel? a) Wonderful. b) Inciteful. c) Fish. 8) Prolonged use of marijuana leads to memory loss? True [ ] False [ ] 9) AIDS/HIV can be transmitted by exchanging? a) Bodily fluids b) Telephone numbers c) Sterling into euros 10) Mushrooms are magic. Discuss (10,000 words) When I was at school all the other boys would laugh at me in the shower. But I held my head high and kept on masturbating. I think keeping an animal in a cage is cruel. Especially if it's a fish. My friends all say I should look for a woman with similar interests. So, for a year I went out with an alcoholic lesbian. He's dead, she said, leaning over the body. Are you a doctor, I asked? No, she replied. Well perhaps you should put a mirror to his mouth And if he's alive his breath will condense on the glass. I would do that, she said, but I can't find the head. Well then, don't say he's dead, I said. Don't be so presumptuous. Give a man and fish and he can feed his family for a day. but give a man a gun, and he can shoot the first guy and steal his fish. I have a degree in film and video. Some people say I've wasted three years of my life but... I like to think I've gained twelve thousand pounds of debt. I had to stop seeing my girlfriend after what she did. She dumped me. I am quite cynical. Some people think the glass is half full. I think it's half empty and when you pick it up it'll shatter and a shard of glass with cut an artery and all your so called friends will stand by and laugh as you slowly bleed to death. I'll be honest, I don't think my anti depressants are working. To make your house look bigger replace all your furniture with furniture from a doll's house. I'm the most popular girl at school. And it's not just because I give the boys handjobs. Or have sex with them in groups of up to five. I like to think, it's because I'm a good teacher. Scotland is the land of my forefathers. Well, I've narrowed it down to four possibilities and the general geographical area. Smoking isn't that bad for you. My grandfather was a smoker and he died at ninety. Nothing to do with tobacco. He crashed his car and the airbag pushed his pipe through his brain. I confided to a friend I was thinking about committing suicide. He told me he'd heard about a guy who skydived out of a plane and just didn't pull the ripcord. I said I couldn't afford skydiving. He offered to lend me the money. The jokes on him though. How would I pay him back? Psychopaths have no ability to empathise with others. they can do terrible things to any human being and feel no remorse. they feel no sympathy for the pain and suffering they've caused. that's why most psychopaths work in phone shops. If i ever won the lottery, i think i'd get a plane to new york. i'd take a taxi to the empire state building. and get a lift to the very top floor. then i'd look out over that great city. jump off and kill myself. because... ... money doesn't buy you happiness. In the 1960's the tv show star trek predicted many of the things we have now. mobile communicators. lasers. and all those star trek movies. Yeah, i like a drink. doesn't mean i have a problem. ... now. are you going to help me get my car out of this river or not? I have a subscription to 'which' magazine. I don't know if it's the best consumer advice magazine available. 'i've seen things that would make your hair stand on end.' 'really? what?' she asked. i said, 'like once, i saw a van de graff generator.' Have you ever buttered a piece of toast? then dropped it? and it's landed on the butter side? do you know why that happens? ... gravity. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Another thing that begins with one step, is a plan to kill every member of the 90's pop band Steps. |
Michael Beck tries to think at least once a day... usually, he fails.
These are just some of the things that go through my head. Categories |