Yes, there have been a number of "monkey incidents" at events where I have been present. And these have been very funny, despite what people say. But I do not own a monkey.
Why would I sneak a monkey into a wedding, and release it just as the vows were being said? Although, that was very, very funny, it is not something I would do.
Was it unfortunate that it attacked the bride? Yes. Was it funny? That is not for me to say. But yes. It was.
And how would I be able to slip this monkey into the ceremony? Under my jacket? Perhaps. It was a small monkey. A baby macaque if I'm not mistaken. But why would I do this? To ruin the wedding of my ex girlfriend? Would I go to all the trouble of finding a baby macaque on the dark web, plying it with drugs (it looked like it was on drugs, but who can be sure, probably some kind of hallucinogen) and then fling it at the happy couple? What kind of monster would do that? You'd have to be a psychopath. A handsome, clever, psychopath.
And then there are the events at little Wendy's 10th birthday party. I guess someone might have thought it would be funny to dress a tiny monkey up as a clown. Someone who was not aware of Wendy's intense fear of clowns. And monkeys.
I think what this person was trying to do was create an hilarious incongruity between the fun appearance of it's colourful and garrish outfit, and the juxtaposition of the rather scary kitchen knive that had been superglued to it's hand. That, coupled with the fact that it was patently drunk, should have led to an amusing annecdote that we could all tell in years to come. And not, as it was, so many unfortunate injuries to so many small children.
Whoever did this, I don't think it is for us to judge him. And certainly not for us to inform the police, or animal welfare.
The fact that all these regrettable events took place while I was present is purely coincidental.
Perhaps a monkey has hacked my computer and is following me. Have you thought of that? Isn't that the most obvious explanation?
And yes, I was seen purchasing a large number of bananas but, not all monkeys like bananas. This is something I didn't know until recently. By the way, does anyone want to buy 50 bananas?
I'm sure whoever played these, let's admit it, very funny pranks, has probably drowned the monkey and buried it somewhere in the forest, so that it will never trouble us again.