But...
Then I turned two and thought, 'Is this the man I want to be?'
Sure, there were the boobs. I loved the boobs. But... It was a crazy time in my life.
Sometimes I'd wake up crying at 4 in the morning, and didn't know why.
I went on the bottle, and things get worse. A few times I actually shit myself. That's how bad things were. I couldn't stand. I was crawling around on the floor.
There were a lot of people in my life but, I didn't even know their names.
It was embarrassing.
I was a wreck. I'd just sit there watching TV, it was all a blur of noise and colour, devoid of meaning.
I was having an existential crisis.
And that's when I met Doctor Sock-Puppet.
I think he was French.
He was a newly qualified therapist with big googly eyes, a wide mouth, and thick red hair.
We started having sessions every day. We talked a lot about my fear of abandonment, the lack of control I felt in any life decisions, and how I was almost three but I hadn't achieved anything.
Doctor Sock-Puppet changed my life.
I'm now a healthy, happy three and a half year old. I've overcome my breast fixation. I'm very rarely naked in public. And best of all, I don't wake up crying in the middle of the night having shit myself.