Not William Shatner for 'Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn'.
And yet... the Best Actor Oscar for 1983 went to Ben Kingsley for 'Ghandi'.
Not William Shatner for 'Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn'.
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5pm The News with Rob Beckett followed by the weather from Romesh Ranganathan. 6pm MasterChef Celebrities featuring Rob Beckett & Romesh Ranganathan. 7pm Countryfile Rob Beckett & Romesh Ranganathan investigate new trends in organic farming. 8pm The Antiques Roadshow Rob Beckett & Romesh Ranganathan visit Skipton in Yorkshire. 9pm EastEnders Sparks fly as Rob & Romesh turn up unexpectedly at the Queen Vic. 10pm BBC News & Weather with Rob Beckett & Romesh Ranganathan. 10.30pm Match of the Day Rob Beckett plays Romesh Ranganathan in the FA Cup final. 12pm Film: 'The Godfather' staring Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, Rob Beckett & Romesh Ranganathan.
Tour Guide Jackie Munro - "Come on now. Everybody on the bus?… I’m Jackie, the tour guide… And if you’re on the internet, also a part time glamour model… Today, we are gonna show you Edinburgh as you’ve never seen it before... From a bus. Right… Welcome... Wilkommen. Eh… Bonjourno… Aloha… Ciao… Which means hello, and goodbye in Italian. That’s the Italians for you, too lazy to think of different words… Any Italians on board?... No?... Probably off shoplifting... Ah, Konnichi wa. That’s Japanese… What are you two?… Japanese or Chinese?... Chinese... Same thing really… I love China. I love your food… Your… wall… I watch a lot of Chinese cinema… Kung Fu Panda 2… I love eh… Jackie Chan… Jet Li… Ho Chi Minh… And I watched that “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”. Have you seen it?... No?… Maybe they didn’t release it over there… You wouldn’t like it, it’s got subtitles... Now, I’m just gonna tell Tony, the driver, to start the bus... (SHOUTS)... Tony! Start the bus!!! ... And off we go... If you want to take pictures, please do... Of me... (LAUGHS)... As I’ve said, I am also a glamour model... And like this bus, I do go topless... (LAUGHS) You can find some photos on the internet... But don’t look, it’s embarrassing... Don’t type in ‘Jackie Munro sexy pics’ and click on the top of the page... Don’t, honestly... That’s J...A...C...K...I...E... Munro. ... Sooooo.... Here we are on Princes Street... Named after... Princess Diana... Who, unfortunately, is dead... I don’t know if you heard that… It was in all the papers… Some of you may not be able to get the Daily Mail… Over here, on your left is Princes Street Gardens... This is where Scottish people come to sunbathe if they’re too poor to go abroad... I, personally, go to Faliraki... But that’s only because I love the Spanish culture... Is anyone from Spain?... You look a bit dark, where you from?... Nigeria?... Is that near Spain?... It’s in Africa... Is that near Spain?... Not really... I didn’t do geography... Although I once did the geography teacher, but that’s another story. ... On the hill you can also see the castle... Nobody knows exactly when the castle was built, but it was sometime in the past... Probably over a hundred years or more... Notice that it is conveniently located next to the railway station... Which no doubt helped our soldiers get into battle quicker... You’ll also notice that its walls are very difficult to climb, although some have tried... Tony’s brother tried to climb it on his stag night... That’s why he’s in a wheelchair... And unmarried. ... By the way, are you lot Americans?… Yes?.... I don’t want to sound rude but... Would it be possible for your kids to squeeze themselves out of their seats, and sit on the opposite side of the bus? … It’s just, this is double decker, and we don’t want to fall over going round a corner… Thanks. ... You’ll notice all the great shops on Princes Street... I used to work in that one... And that one... And that one... I got fired from that one… They said it was for showing up drunk, but I think it was because I was too pretty… Jealousy is a terrible thing. … Right then … We’re now turning onto Lothian Road… There are a few bars and nightclubs here… Don’t go in that one… Or that one… That’s the one I go to... Every Friday... If you want to come along... Meet me at the bar, mine’s a double vodka and red bull... Just be careful as some of the girls who go in there are not as classy as what I am... Sluts basically... They’ll do anything for a Jack Daniels and coke... But I like a man who’ll wine and dine me... With me, you get what you pay for... Not that I’m for sale... Although... No... But you can hire me for the night (LAUGHS)... I’m kidding... To make myself clear, I am not a prostitute... If you want one of those, go to Leith... But do beware... This is not “Pretty Woman”... Some of them are very rough. .... We’re now going onto The King’s Stables Road… How it got that name, I have no idea… And on our right is the Castle Terrace car park, where I had my first kiss… I was 11 years old… It was so romantic… We fooled around for a bit, and afterwards, he drove me home… Didn’t even ask for petrol money… Now that is a gentleman… Beyond that is an area best known for its lap dancing clubs… They say they’re dancing to pay for college, but I don’t believe it… I think it’s for drugs. ... This is the back of the castle… There’s a very very interesting story about this bit here… Unfortunately I don’t know it… The other guide does… She’s off with the flu… Well, that’s what she says… But I know for sure, she was out last night… With all the other tour guides… And Tony the driver… I guess I wasn’t invited… You’re lucky she’s not here… Whiney cow… She’s boring and she has a face like a horse... And she talks and talks and talks... She never shuts up... D’you know the type?... Do you?... They’re annoying aren’t they?... Thank God you’re not stuck on the bus with her… She thinks she’s soooo special just because she beat leukemia... And then did that marathon for charity… What an attention seeking bitch. ... Up there is the High Street… You can buy anything in those little shops… Well, shortbread… You can even buy bagpipes… I wouldn’t… I am Scottish, but to me, bagpipes make the sound a cow would, after being told it had two weeks to live. ... And here is the White Hart Inn... This is Tony’s local... We will now take a short break while Tony goes in for a pint... You may want to buy him one... Otherwise he gets very upset... And we could end up driving to Dundee… There’s a shop over there that sells tartan hats, but you should know that wearing too much tartan might lead the locals to assume you’re American... and they will beat you up and rob you... Meet you back here in 15 minutes, and if you have any questions, ask someone who looks miserable or angry, as they are probably from Edinburgh... See you soon." HM Revenue & Customs Date. 27th Dec 2023 Our ref. 08681355 Dear Mr Claus, Your tax statement 2022 - 2023 We are writing to inform you of some discrepancies in your tax filing for the year 2022 - 2023. It is important to check that you have declared all of your UK tax liabilities and that any claims made by you for tax relief are compliant with the tax codes HM Revenue & Customs UK. Please clarify the following items - 1) We show you as only working one day, 24th Dec. As you are claiming Universal Credit we advise you to contact them with regard to finding additional work. 2) We are confused by your use of different names in different countries. Sinterklass in Turkey, Der Weihnachtsmannun in Germany, Pere Noel in France, and Dedt Moroz in Russia. For accounting and tax purposes please file all your tax information under one name. 3) As above, we are having difficulty in regards to your postcode 'HO-HO-HO' as no such postcode exists on our systems. 4) You have stated your income as zero but have outgoings of £1.4 trillion under 'toys for all the boys and girls'. For tax purposes this statement makes no sense. Do you have another source of income? 5) You are registered in the North Pole and Lapland, and appear to be using loopholes in both tax regions to limit your liabilities. This is illegal and could be considered fraud. 6) You have stated that your 'winter wonderland' is in your wife, Mrs Claus's, name. She claims to reside in Monaco and thus falls under their tax laws. We will need proof of residency. 7) You are claiming tax relief under the company car rule, but applying it to 12 reindeer. What is the value of each reindeer? Do you use reindeer for personal travel? Do you have documentation to verify that you have spent £2.7 million for 'reindeer food'? This seems rather high. 8) You claim travel of 500 million miles for the period 24th - 25th December. How is this even possible? 9) You cannot claim Rudolph's red nose as a disability. 10) We have no statements of payments to the 200 elves employed in your workshop. What are their saleries and do you provide health benefits? 11) You appear to have licenced your image to many companies including Coca-Cola, Amazon, Tesco, etc. We have no record of reported income from this arrangement. 12) What is 'chimney lube' and why is it a necessary expense? 13) We remind you that threats to put employees of HM Revenue & Customs on the 'naughty list' will be taken seriously, and if they continue, reported to the police. We have sent a copy of this letter to your accountant. Yours sincerely, Brian Dobson HM Revenue & Customs Officer |
Michael Beck tries to think at least once a day... usually, he fails.
These are just some of the things that go through my head. Categories |