British football, in which you kick the ball with your foot, is proper football. American football, where you throw and catch the ball with your hands, should be called handball. Or oblong ball. But, I wonder how many Americans know what an oblong is due to their poor public school system. Anyway, it’s really a squashed sphere but I don’t know what you call that.
There are eleven men on each team. They wear helmets (like they’re on a motorcycle) and padding. Unlike British sports, where it's considered ‘ungentlemanly’ to seriously injure your opponents, in American Football it's encouraged. (Even in British boxing, both fighters end the bout by apologising for any punches they threw or insults spoken.)
The game has two sides, offense and defense. There are many people who say it is defense that wins games. Mostly it is said by defensive players. Two great defenses will lead to a low score game. Two great offenses to a high score game. And a game with neither a good defense or offense will lead to the Cleveland Browns playing the New York Jets.
The quarterback is the one who takes the snap and throws or passes off the ball. They are the men with the million dollar arms. Although you will not get a million dollars for their arm if you try to sell it. Even if it's signed.
Wait, is it called an ellipsoid? The ball?
Anyway...
The object of the offense is to gain ten yards using four ‘downs’ by either throwing the ball to your player, running with the ball, or cheating if you are the New England Patriots.
The defense tries to stop the offense gaining ten yards by catching the ball themselves, slamming into the runner till he stops moving (either forward or ever again) or by cheating if you are the New England Patriots.
Once the offense runs or catches the ball in the ‘end zone’ they are awarded six points, and in the result of a tie, the team whose player did the best ‘end zone dance’ is declared the winner.
After the ‘touchdown’ which confusingly can be run in and never touch the ground, the offense is given a chance to score another point using a player called a kicker. The kicker is never invited out to parties by either their offense or defense and usually goes to a quiet bar by himself.
If the offense doesn’t move the ball the required ten yards the ball is handed over to the other team. This tells you a lot about America. Success is rewarded, failure is punished, and most of the work is done by black people.
The game is divided into four ‘quarters’ of fifteen minutes which, of course, adds up to over four hours.
It's like an egg shape. The ball. What the hell do you call it?
In America is it perfectly acceptable for commentators on the sport to add the name of sponsors to every statement they profer. It is not unusual to hear someone say ‘And that Mercedes touchdown in the Pepsi end zone marks the last play of the Burger King first quarter’ and then cutting to seven minutes of adverts for patriotic beers and erectile dysfunction medication.
American football is a very violent sport and injuries are common. The most frequent injury is a tear to your ACLU, which requires players to kneel during the National Anthem.
There are 32 teams who play each other during a seven month season, culminating in ‘The Superbowl’, a five hour extravaganza featuring an all star half time music show, fireworks, an aircraft fly by, and two of the best teams in the sport playing their worst ever game of football.
American football is a spectacle as much as it is a sport. The modern equivalent of the Roman Games. Sponsored by Budweiser.
I just looked it up on Google. It's a prolate spheroid.